. . . . . entries for 17.12.10 . . . . .
I have completely lost my focus, am pretty sure my blood pressure has risen, and am getting pains in my chest. And it's that good old Fox News dilemma: either she knew this would happen, and is fucking evil, or she somehow didn't know, and is fucking stupid.
It's not even that it was that unreasonable (although parts were so unreasonable that they, alone, would have made me as mad) - it's that it's now, and I thought she wanted me to succeed at things like this instead of fuck me up, but I guess not.
. . . . . entries for 15.12.10 . . . . .
I don't think I like stuff as much as most Americans like stuff - and by stuff I mean unnecessary material goods. And I think I've always been that way to some extent, but within the past few months it's sunk in how much of the world's total matter we must've turned to stuff: enough to be pressing greasy sand for oil in Canada or drilling in the middle of the Gulf or burning pristine rainforest and peat bogs. And so much of the world is built, now, and not simply present, made of its own stuff as it happened to tumble together.
It scares me quite a bit, though surely not enough for me to totally overcome its sedative effects, because it is so easy being modern man with all his stuff, and I have never really known anything else.
What do we do? We can't keep making stuff as though there's infinite stuff to make stuff with. And even if we recycle and reuse all our old stuff (and we should, much more than we do), I'm guessing we'll still want new stuff made of new stuff. I want less and to be happy with less. I want to live through doing and feeling and observing and learning rather than through accumulating.
There's something in here somewhere about Christmas, I think, and the bottom line which is I don't need anything and what I want is intangible or, at best so far as giveability is concerned, human in nature: actions and words and not things. So, I don't know. Keep it in mind?
I am not a mingler, I do not mingle. I like people and find them terribly interesting but I have trouble with them face to face, with all their symbols of privilege and confidence attached, when they have those symbols - even if they talk like they think they're so unimportant and overemphasized by Society. "Easy for you to say," one might say.
Anyway. More applications!
. . . . . entries for 14.12.10 . . . . .
"Parents just don't understand" just doesn't cut it with some parents. That's about parents who don't want you dating until college or staying out past midnight. But when parents deride you and threaten to disown you for your choice of major or, implicitly, the way you are otherwise; when they try to make you feel better by reminding you how awful their own lives have been; when they get tired or drunk and say furious infuriating things about what they expect and want from you that they claim not to remember days later when they have ripped you and worn you forever; when they claim to love you unconditionally until they add their conditions -
one of my parents has this fantasy for use regarding people who don't bear consideration, who are unbearable: to line them up in front of a ditch filled with toxic waste and shoot them.
I always thought it was a bit much, like that same parent's singsong "I'm lying and I know it" voice, or occasional thinly veiled sadism, but, well. You know.
or: oh I just can't you idiot and can't you see that I've tried even though it hurts?
High on my list of disliked things for the past couple weeks: extroverts who assume that it's not difficult for anyone to be outgoing and socially assertive, as though a switch could be flipped to make any (presumably lazy) introvert into a properly functioning person.
I had a really epic dream involving doppelgangers of both of my parents, who I think were cannibals and intended to eat me (and maybe my sister/real parents? I can't remember) but I feel like weren't always my parents in my dream, at some point they were pet shop owners or something and just transformed into my parents near the end. But god it was freaky/bizarrely narrative for one of my dreams. I'm glad to be back in the real world.
. . . . . entries for 13.12.10 . . . . .
So I did the wrong calc homework assignment. Ugh.
Sort of glad that the homework doesn't count for a whole lot, but still. So much figuring stuff out last night for no immediate payoff.
this Christmas,
I am singing things. It is making me feel better.
It seems incredibly unfair to me that people are happiest when deluded and/or unthoughtful, because I rarely delude myself or fail to think. I wish my mind did not punish me for those things. I don't think they're wrong; I think they're entirely right.
This came about lately I think because of that damn D&D stat quiz. Most people seem to get higher stats than me on average. So, for STR, CON, DEX and to some extent CHA this makes a lot of sense. But people scoring 15-19 on both WIS and INT? Something has to give. No one can be the best at everything - in fact, only one person can be the best at anything.
It's not that I don't know that self-serving biases exist - it's just that goddamn do they ever exist. I wish I could delude myself about myself, and be more confident than is justified; like a self-love placebo, my beliefs in my own abilities would fulfill themselves and become true, to a point. But those who think highly of me generally have family or friend glasses on, and those who don't generally have no basis by which to judge. I hate judging myself, but sometimes people remind me that no one knows me better.
Anyway. I think the D&D thing started it, sort of, but as for the proximal cause for today's particular sadness and aches, I don't know. Stress? Social weirdness, both involving class and involving my roommates? Stupid evil hormones?
I still have calc to do. I guess I'm stressed about that, too, because in spite of telling myself to pick up the ball again, I still basically haven't and it's been showing up in my grades. I think I can get my shit together in kick the final's ass, but tomorrow? I don't know. I doubt it. And then I'm supposed to sally forth and accost strangers in the student center to be part of our doomed, ridiculous, useless class project data. I do not have a talent for that kind of work, less so when I feel like this or anything vaguely similar.
And I think I'd go to the health center and talk to a counselor if I weren't under the impression that they would only tell me things I know already. Just knowing things doesn't always help. Quite often it just hurts.
. . . . . entries for 12.12.10 . . . . .
No, you don't understand, I mean like I REALLY don't wanna.
. . . . . entries for 11.12.10 . . . . .
Another year, another December of wondering what the heck to get my boyfriend for Christmas. :P
(and extracurricular frustrations etc. but we need not Go There.)
. . . . . entries for 10.12.10 . . . . .
It's felt sort of like the world has been trying to get me down over the past couple days. Hopefully I can shake that feeling pretty soon because Things are Afoot between now and home.
The old epic D&D quiz is broken and only feeds out chaotic neutral half-elf ranger. But there is a new epic D&D quiz!
I Am A: Lawful Good Human Ranger (2nd Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength-10
Dexterity-11
Constitution-12
Intelligence-14
Wisdom-16
Charisma-13
Alignment:
Lawful Good A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment because it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
. . . . . entries for 8.12.10 . . . . .
A note I just sent to Obama:
Mr. President,
Out of all of my Democrat, Independent, and disenchanted Republican friends and family members, not a single one is proud or happy that you have succumbed to Republican pressure and extended a seriously problematic tax situation that you swore to make cease. I wanted you to know because we all believed in you. We thought that you, unlike every other talking head swearing that we've needed change in Washington over the past six decades, were telling the truth.
We don't understand why you aren't strong. If there are some complexities to the situation that escape us, please explain them. We're big girls and boys and can handle the truth. All we want is a progressive party that will actually accomplish the policy-making goals it purports to believe in. With a supermajority, with momentum, with countless pressing issues, you and Congress dragged your feet or needlessly sought compromise with an opposition party that never compromises.
Nothing could hurt us more than your betrayal of our hope - and it hardly bears mentioning that nothing could hurt you more than losing us.
Good luck,
[me.]
. . . . . entries for 5.12.10 . . . . .
Gosh do I ever miss him.
. . . . . entries for 3.12.10 . . . . .
Today should be a good day, but instead it is a pissy day. I blame the Fearless Leaders.
. . . . . entries for 2.12.10 . . . . .
I had a crazy dream about my stupid pixel dragons last night, or rather this morning. Oh boy.
In probably unrelated news, my first two apps are in. aaaaaah
come home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)