. . . . . entries for 13.12.10 . . . . .
It seems incredibly unfair to me that people are happiest when deluded and/or unthoughtful, because I rarely delude myself or fail to think. I wish my mind did not punish me for those things. I don't think they're wrong; I think they're entirely right.
This came about lately I think because of that damn D&D stat quiz. Most people seem to get higher stats than me on average. So, for STR, CON, DEX and to some extent CHA this makes a lot of sense. But people scoring 15-19 on both WIS and INT? Something has to give. No one can be the best at everything - in fact, only one person can be the best at anything.
It's not that I don't know that self-serving biases exist - it's just that goddamn do they ever exist. I wish I could delude myself about myself, and be more confident than is justified; like a self-love placebo, my beliefs in my own abilities would fulfill themselves and become true, to a point. But those who think highly of me generally have family or friend glasses on, and those who don't generally have no basis by which to judge. I hate judging myself, but sometimes people remind me that no one knows me better.
Anyway. I think the D&D thing started it, sort of, but as for the proximal cause for today's particular sadness and aches, I don't know. Stress? Social weirdness, both involving class and involving my roommates? Stupid evil hormones?
I still have calc to do. I guess I'm stressed about that, too, because in spite of telling myself to pick up the ball again, I still basically haven't and it's been showing up in my grades. I think I can get my shit together in kick the final's ass, but tomorrow? I don't know. I doubt it. And then I'm supposed to sally forth and accost strangers in the student center to be part of our doomed, ridiculous, useless class project data. I do not have a talent for that kind of work, less so when I feel like this or anything vaguely similar.
And I think I'd go to the health center and talk to a counselor if I weren't under the impression that they would only tell me things I know already. Just knowing things doesn't always help. Quite often it just hurts.
+1, and probably why I don't as I should often
*hughughugpod*
come home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)