. . . . . entries for 30.6.10 . . . . .
I'm back! That was a pretty serious blog lapse, but all things together, not TOO serious.
People have started donating to Partners in Health for my birthday! :D Yay.
Also it is someone's fourth anniversary. Three guesses as to whose, and the first two don't count.
(love)
. . . . . entries for 25.6.10 . . . . .
p.s. I'm going to Chicago tonight!
My supervisor knows that he has about six emails from me to reply to, but he's attending to some other interns, but he doesn't mind all my questions because he appreciates my thoroughness. Much of that is a rearranged exact quote.
This makes me smile for some reason.
. . . . . entries for 24.6.10 . . . . .
It is time to take an "oh god this school is going to kill me" nap. Or to skip this part. Or maybe both, but only a very short nap.
Holy cow it's one hundred degrees out. o.O I'm glad I'm in. I guess.
Realization: I cannot conceive of myself as a Ph.D. student. Not that I think, when I think about it in more detail, that I wouldn't like the research, classes, and teaching life, just that the title - "Ph.D. candidate" - seems so unreal and unreachable. Me, a Dr. instead of a Ms.? Really?
That would be a long way away anyway, were I to get into a Ph.D. program. I'd probably be pretty well adjusted to it by then. But good grief.
. . . . . entries for 18.6.10 . . . . .
I still epic fail at not being utterly self-centered in my smaller, warmer, closer life. To the world I can be very generous, and think only of it, not at all of myself; but to my friends, I can only compare myself, weigh myself, want more or less of myself, and talk and talk about it (or trivial things), and talk not enough about you - just you. It must be very tiresome to you. I wish I knew how to get out of my own head, so to speak.
I know I am a pretty socially anxious person, but I am not a very guarded person. I don't have a lot of practice at pulling certain selves on and off, undoing a button here, lacing up the other one tight. This is terribly weird of me and inconvenient, mostly to me, and maybe a little bit to the people who never wanted their entire selves to be known - because I am so impatient with all those strange clothes, and I can tell when you're wearing them.
. . . . . entries for 17.6.10 . . . . .
Tonight Frank and I went to the Johns Hopkins library and hung around C floor, where stuff that interested both of us happened to be. I found a copy of a global change journal from 1993 and read the introduction. It was about how we had no capacity to predict the future of the global climate. We didn't have a holistic enough understanding of Earth systems. We couldn't provide the answers policymakers were looking for. More or less exactly that.
And the solution, the authors said, was to foster interdisciplinarity, a Science with a capital S. It was to learn all the details and to connect them to the gestalt of the Earth so that we could understand the atmosphere as well as we understand the cell. And they emphasized that we weren't there yet. That we needed to go further.
And I read that intro, and I started reading one of the articles, but I kept getting distracted, drifting, and I remembered a conversation I had earlier in the afternoon with someone who, despite being intelligent and compassionate, didn't believe in climate change, and I heard the bars of a Jack Johnson song in my head:
"Plexi, plexi, bend, don't shatter - once you're broken, shape don't matter."
We still don't understand perfectly, but we're no longer willing to admit it. We understand too well the risk that we understand well enough. And that hubris hurts us - intrinsically, purely, truly, as scientists. We fail to find the truth of how little we know, so what little we know may be more refined, truer.
And it hurts our "cause." If we are right - and we are probably right, or even not going far enough, based on how knowledge has been rolling (pushing and pulling) - then the cause is vitally important. And if we are uncertain, and show ourselves to be uncertain and overcompensating and nervous and uncertain even of our uncertainty, we will lose the trust of those whose trust we absolutely need - that is to say, everyone. The parents of the children who will have the children who will live through the most extraordinary catastrophe our species has ever witnessed.
Those people, those people whose grandchildren we want to save from suffering, don't understand uncertainty. They don't understand interconnectedness. They are afraid and confused and certain that they are certain and no one else knows or understands anything. This is hyperbole, of course, but it is the problem writ large. Not enough has changed - in both our experts and our laypeople. Neither group can think the right way. Neither group, despite knowing better at least amongst experts, can free itself of familiar, reflexive patterns.
And now, on the TV behind me: pledges to energy independence from three decades ago. And more. And more. From everyone. And never accomplished, and still so far from being accomplished.
And a few minutes ago, in the lobby, walking inside from an enchanted night in Baltimore, with the fireflies glowing in the twilight of the gorgeous Hopkins campus, I felt a flicker on my arm. Without thinking, without a moment's hesitation, I swatted it away, and felt the wet crush of it on my fingers, and when I turned to see the carpet where it fell, I saw a fading yellow glow there.
How do we break the part of us that will break us?
Some of the people who make me fangirl squee the most on my project are the ones who end up replying. I like that.
What do you call someone who is a nun and a doctor of philosophy and a FSE (whatever that is?) in an email salutation?
ps. it is crazy how smoothly my life seems to be running at the moment - not that it is actually running especially smoothly, I guess, but that it is running so much more smoothly than it was, say, three weeks ago. o.O
Here is a birthday list type thing again, in case you want it:
-a nice, smallish (could-fit-in-purse-sized) notebook, maybe recycled leather or something similarly durable but not grossly unsustainable
-fancy paper, again recycled or summat if that is findable
-adorable and/or classy throw pillows (also organic, recycled, thrift-shop'd, or what have you, please just read that as subtext anywhere it could plausibly fit)
-un-scratched copies of Final Fantasy X and Final Fantasy VIII
-un-wrecked copies of the D&D 3.0 or 3.5 core rule books: Monster Manual, Player's Handbook, Dungeon Master's Guide
-music! either Something You Think I Would Like or an iTunes gift card would be nice
-a serious vacuum cleaner
-nice dishcloths
-some kind of not-wall-mounted spice rack
. . . . . entries for 13.6.10 . . . . .
The World Cup's strongest emotional effect on me is to make me want so badly to believe in South Africa, in its ability to rise and bring the rest of its continent with it, in its ability to do all the right things, finally, after we did everything wrong. But I know, despite the heartwarming images of Nelson Mandela with the South Africa team, despite Ghana's win against Serbia, that South Africa - like practically every other country - is not willing to make sacrifices for the far future, or even for the near future of their most vulnerable. Indeed, government officials have regularly sacrificed the welfare of the poor and of their own children, at least when it comes to energy, to advance . . . well, themselves, I guess.
But I want to believe in them. I want to have faith that they can make all the right choices, save all that deserves saving, nurture the wealth that they have.
I hope for them. I guess that's what wanting to believe is - hope.
. . . . . entries for 10.6.10 . . . . .
so
many
Christian
schools
in
Florida!
. . . . . entries for 9.6.10 . . . . .
Realizing the immensity of the world is looking up tiny colleges you've never heard of before and finding many to be strange - infused with religious ideology, perhaps, or lacking highfalutin academic programs of any kind, let alone environmental studies departments - but finding a few to be so familiar and so lovely and, one must imagine, so likely to contain a person or two like yourself.
I don't remember what Aurelius's meditation was, but something like "how great the vastness of being; how small your place in it."
. . . . . entries for 7.6.10 . . . . .
Bright side: stupid mechanics are paying for stupid car repairs, and I can has balance on school account. So money-wise my life is not so bad at the moment.
Moral of my first day at Our Earth: technology is not so great. Not in some bold and ideological sense, just in the "oh god why isn't email working why am I not getting a call what is happening good grief."
My letter to Chuck Schumer, which I just realized I've been editorializing as I'm blogging it. Should've editorialized it so much when I sent it, I guess, but arrrrggghhh.
Dear Senator,
Greetings from a concerned constituent.
I recently learned - and was frankly shocked - that you are not standing in full support of the Kerry-Lieberman climate and energy bill, and you seem permissive, if not welcoming, of Majority Leader Reid's plausible decision to introduce an energy bill without a carbon cap or tax provision. This is not acceptable. I will not insult your intelligence by explaining to you why market-based carbon control levers are absolutely essential to enact in this country, and to enact immediately - in fact to enact last year, last decade.
It is far too late to play politics with my future. The risk climate change poses to New York State, America, and this planet is too large. The building sector at California's level from 32 years (half again my lifetime) ago is not enough. Mandatory standards are not enough.
Do the right thing, and tell your colleague Mr. Reid to bite the bullet and think of the future of his people - not just of his political career. You may be surprised by the extent to which the two go hand in hand when it comes to my generation.
Internet-will: when I am dead, please don't kill this blog. Let it hang around. If someone wants to write a biography or something (in case I'm important, har har), it'll be here. And it is kind of a great trip and amusement anyway.
The Internet here is substantially more cooperative today, and orientation went pretty well. I'm in an awkward period of downtime until my conference call with my working team until later, so I have been reading Grist. Shocker!
I wonder if it's anything like feasible to restart enviroblog this summer. -.- It never seems to work.
. . . . . entries for 6.6.10 . . . . .
RAGE AGAINST THE BAD WIFI CONNECTION
RAAAAAAGE
I am in Baltimore! The cabinets are full of tea! The bedspreads are unattractively floral! The walls are blank! - except a painting of a house with a garden in front of it above the headboard. I might put some posters on the walls or something.
. . . . . entries for 4.6.10 . . . . .
Well, in theory, everything should now fall into place: my Monday interview is canceled, my mail is being forwarded automatically, the car is fixed and will have a spot in the garage. Systems are go. This is weird.
. . . . . entries for 3.6.10 . . . . .
"The solitude was extreme because it wasn’t physical. It was extreme because you felt it while in the company of the person you loved. It was extreme because it was in your head, that most solitary of places."
Augh, Prof. Eugenides, you got me. You got me right here.
. . . . . entries for 2.6.10 . . . . .
Today I packed and cleared out deadfall in the yard and started reading/commenting the work of fellow Forced Marchers! Tomorrow I will renew my license and maybe get sheets and talk to my supervisor! O.O
. . . . . entries for 1.6.10 . . . . .
The thunder is here three hours late. What the heck, summer storm? Get on top of things.
And here I am, still awake. Fixing it. And hopefully Car Things will go well today.
come home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)