. . . . . entries for 21.6.11 . . . . .
I saw a question the other day: what do you most like to daydream about - what you wish would happen, what you want to do, or impossible things? I realized I don't really daydream anymore. I worry, mostly. And I worry about all the above.
Just a realization prompted by the question, I guess. But it did make me feel old and stodgy.
For my online leadership class thing (baderp), I need to be able to tell my story - the story that explains why I'm passionate about leading, some way, some how. It's a strange task for me because I think my story is something of a non-story, and maybe that's what's unique about it, and about me. I did fine growing up. My life was not problem-free, but few lives are; even so, I was privileged to live in a beautiful place with parents who supported me and loved me and a sister who is a friend like no other friend, and to romp about unhindered in muddy, wet places, and to go to a great school district with teachers who saw something in me worth nurturing, and to never be afraid to be myself in the classroom, and to have that work out utterly in my favor.
Further, to be warm in bed in January, to never know true hunger, to never suffer because of the color of my skin, to feel as though every door was open to me. Because they were. Every one.
I didn't always think like that, but I think I always believed in justice and the truth, even when I had no goddamn idea what those should mean from personal experience, not really. As you grow up the things you loved as names in your head become the things you see profaned out in the world. The willingness of people to lie for personal convenience, for corporate advancement, for whatever - how do they do it without tearing themselves to pieces every night, without wanting to wake up dead?
How did I feel so deeply about abstractions back then? Partially I blame my friend that I do not have another one like, because of the way she was, and where she went to school; partially I blame the books I read (Jacques, Pratchett, Gaiman), even the video games I played (because every Final Fantasy story is almost the same, perfect, gorgeous story). I am still extremely impressionable. I don't fail to take anything seriously, since the consequences of the opposite error seem so much more awful than the hot embarrassment I've been made to feel for actually caring about things.
Oh, I value what is true, and I value admitting and understanding one's ignorance; things I learned from my parents, things I learned from the ideas of philosophers I hadn't read yet in earnest. And I value using good, true things to help people, because the universe did everything in its power to help me, who had done nothing special to deserve it other than getting born white in a pleasant, affluent pocket of the northeastern United States.
And I abhor that people don't understand how little they deserve what they have. I abhor that people do not see what is not there; they do not look around the conference room and realize there is not one black person, not one Latina, not one individual we would call "low-income" although we are talking about them, managing them like someone's business assets. It's a problem. I am not good at self-promotion partially because I don't think I'm especially worth promoting.
My story is some imaginary someone else's story, someone I will never meet; some distant someone, in time and space, whose life I am trying to save. The universe gave me every advantage. What else can I do but try not to abuse it?
. . . . . entries for 18.6.11 . . . . .
To do:
-Get memory card reader.
-Get groceries.
-Put up posters.
-Unpack suitcases.
-Make room livable in general.
These are SERIOUS TASKS. At least I slept late.
. . . . . entries for 16.6.11 . . . . .
So tired. So easily pushed to frustration and sadness.
. . . . . entries for 13.6.11 . . . . .
I just wrote this for someone on Gaia and it seemed amiss to just let it vanish, so here it is. :P
Did you have a good or bad experience with your classmates, and why?
Mixed. People are various anywhere. Even if students were especially driven and smart at my school, there were still lots of different types of people. I had trouble with a lot of them, and found it hard to relate and socialize with them, because they were pretty materialistic and wanted to go into lucrative but socially irresponsible lines of work - like investment banking, in particular. But there were also plenty of people who were doing amazing things with their hearts and minds. I was also super close with my roommates, who I stuck with through all four years, although we were a pretty mixed bag of people: one (me) white, one black, one Chinese, one Latina. I only had a couple of other close friends, acquired mostly by accident. I didn't go out of my way to meet lots of people, so I may have judged some of them too superficially; I was a little intimidated and also kind of busy with my schoolwork and the friends I had, both near and far.
How are the professors?
Also mixed. At my school there's a big "publish or perish" culture among professors: you need to do a lot of research to be viewed as on top of your game and therefore do well with the university. Professors that are really engrossed in research sometimes aren't great teachers. At the same time though, there are tons of resources (both pedagogical and financial) devoted to undergraduates at my school, and many professors are totally thrilled to talk to enthusiastic undergrads in office hours or after class.
If you were graduating high school again, would you go to the same school?
Yeah. I think I'd have to be nuts not to. I got in everywhere I applied (the other places to which I applied were Middlebury, Tufts, U Chicago, UNC Chapel Hill, Dickinson, and Cornell) but, even though those are not shabby schools by any stretch of the imagination, they don't match up to the one I chose for many reasons (see below). It was my biggest "reach" school. I was certain I wouldn't get in when I applied.
Any advice for applying and attending college?
Tons. Here's an abbreviated list:
BEFORE APPLYING
1. If you're not sure what you want to do with your life but you're pretty good at school, take lots of advanced science classes in high school (AP bio, AP chem, AP physics, AP calc, AP computer science, etc.). You'll thank yourself if you decide to go into a scientific major in college, since that will clear away a lot of the annoying prerequisite classes that are often harder and more boring in college than in high school. They'll also help you get into college, since not too many people take those courses. Strongly consider this even if you think you're a "humanities person." Interests change and getting a strong technical background is harder and harder to do the longer you wait to do it.
2. Do what you like to do, but make sure to do it. By that I mean that you shouldn't get into extracurriculars that don't interest you at all, or do things just for the sake of padding your resume: instead, follow your passions to their fullest extent. If you don't particularly have passions yet, that's fine too. Consider dabbling in some stuff and see what you like to do. I legitimately, seriously put tabletop and written roleplaying on my college applications, in addition to extracurricular creative writing. I also submitted big fat writing samples to colleges. The message got across.
3. Don't flip out about standardized tests. The number one most important thing you can do to succeed on them is not to flip out about them. Just relax and treat them as a game you need to be good at. Your score does not reflect much about your intelligence or worth as a human being. It's my personal opinion that doing test prep courses is cheating, and it's unfair because only the affluent can afford it, but that's up to you.
APPLYING
1. Don't be scared away by the tuition cost of a school. If you or your parents don't have much money, chances are good that you'll get a decent financial aid package, especially if the school is well-known and high-caliber.
2. Don't write what you think an admissions essay is supposed to sound like. Instead, cram as much of yourself - your personality, your beliefs, your passions, your style, your knowledge, your quirks - into 500 words as possible. My admissions essay had nothing to do with my life experiences, personal inspirations, etc. - at least not overtly. It was a short story ruminating on nuclear weapons from the prospective of Athena in the modern day. It was bizarre, creative, and brainy - it was like me. Write something like yourself. Don't let anyone else write it for you or over-edit it.
3. When you decide where to apply, try not to get carried away with things like the way a campus looks (tip: don't be turned off by rain when you visit - it's only rain, it rains everywhere) or whether there's free laundry. Some lifestyle stuff is important - you want the food to be edible, the rooms to be livable, etc.. But, more than that, think about how well the departments you're interested in are ranked, even for graduate programs: if you have any interest in doing research as an undergraduate (which is a REALLY REALLY good idea, even if you don't want to be an academic, since it proves to everyone who looks at your resume that you're serious, hardworking, and smart) it helps to have a strong department behind you. You might even want to visit and talk to individual professors.
4. Send in supplementary stuff, if you excel in an area that you haven't highlighted in the rest of your application. Send in your writing; send in recordings of you playing your instrument; send in a neat program you coded; send in photos of your art; just send stuff. Send stuff even if they claim not to want stuff (like Cornell did, but I sent it anyway and got in).
WHEN YOU'RE THERE
1. Sign up for extracurriculars that sound vaguely interesting - a lot of them - as soon as you get settled on campus. Decide which ones are worth your time and stick with them. You'll make friends, have fun, and learn a lot by doing so.
2. Find good professors whose work interests you and go to their office hours, talk to them over email, and generally get to know them. They will be your allies, whether you're doing research, applying for grad school, or trying to get a job or internship. Relationships with professors are INVALUABLE. Don't squander your chances to build them.
3. Take advantage of the resources your school offers. That might mean internship programs, study help, a writing center, or anything else. Just pay attention and don't hesitate to take whatever's available to you - it's yours, bought and paid for.
4. Don't be stupid when it comes to drinking, drugs, etc. Binge drinking is idiotic and most people, contrary to popular belief, know this and don't binge drink. Pot kills brain cells and is illegal, which carries a hefty risk if you're caught with it. Other drugs are often extremely dangerous and will get you suspended or expelled if you're caught. Just keep your head on straight and do what's best for you.
5. If possible, never take a class just to fill space or just because you need a class in that area. Chances are good that something better, that will actually interest you, will come along for you to take instead. Make the most of the time you have.
What are some features you like about your college?
It's beautiful, it's extremely well-funded for undergraduates (which means lots of cool free stuff, events, internship opportunities, funded study abroad, etc.), the academics are extraordinarily good, it's got both traditional academic roots and progressive technological/political branches, the student body diversity is pretty good, the campus is very safe, partying is optional, and my university's name on my resume will be a calling card for the rest of my life (which is dumb and frankly unfair, but true anyway).
. . . . . entries for 9.6.11 . . . . .
Well, blogreaders, I am at my new abode down abouts the beltway. There is a practice commute to attend to tomorrow, and room accoutrements to acquire, and et cetera. I think this has Potential.
. . . . . entries for 1.6.11 . . . . .
The roommate who left without saying goodbye, for reasons unclear but present, no doubt; the roommate who cried and I don't know why and how do you ask, really; the roommate who is acting like everything is okay, and maybe it is for her; the roommate who, feeling something unscientifically hypothesized to be panic or empathy or heat stroke, lies on the floor, can't say all the things that are tearing her apart, and cries alone in a closed room on this bed the last night she will be here.
Part of me honest-to-God did not believe I would live to leave this place. And maybe a fifth of me at most knows what comes next, or knows what it wants to come next. The rest wavers and is uncertain and wrecked with the uncertainty, the way only parts of me ever seem to be - no one in the world has let me see it wreck them the way it wrecks me. Maybe I am just too honest about it, mostly to myself and maybe also to everyone. Maybe if I lied about some inner steadiness, even in superficial ways, it would help.
At baccalaureate I thought: that beautiful artifice, the stained glass and the stone and the ornate carved panels around the organ, every little thing there, is part of humanity's great monument to what it does not understand - a monument that doubles as a blunt instrument attacking the monster of uncertainty, perhaps subduing it if only by rendering it unconscious or hobbled. All the things we pretend to know, however willfully, if will is a real thing. All the things we pretend will save us from all the things we do know, really, truly.
I don't like to wield blunt instruments. That they are the main weapon and discourse of the world wracks and wrecks me and wrecks me and wrecks me. It doesn't feel like there is a way for me to be okay or for the world to be okay, or for contentment (let alone happiness) to be anything other than grounded in sand that shifts and washes or is wind-swept away. Things return to equilibrium and equilibrium is on a grinding, grating decline that I can see and feel as surely as I breathe.
And as for me, well, nothing is certain in my own life. I suppose if more things were, I would be better at feigning (perhaps really being) "okay."
So if I have not been a bundle of cheer and self-love and pride and relief this weekend, the way graduates are supposed to be, I'm sorry. I don't know how, at least not now. I don't. I don't.
come home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)