. . . . . entries for 29.10.09 . . . . .
In my strange agnosticism, I think I have always unconsciously thought not that "things happen for a reason," but that "people are put on Earth for a reason." I wonder if all it is that I'm supposed to do is understand people. I am okay at it, and I think I work at it more than most. I think people - at least some of us - need it.
. . . . . entries for 26.10.09 . . . . .
Black tea (Earl Grey, in this case) + a pinch of sugar to take the edge off = awesome. But I do not understand why my trail mix tastes mostly of black pepper right now.
My paper will very likely be too long, but hopefully that will make me "endearingly ambitious" and not "foolishly quixotic." I am still not worried enough about it, and it is almost 2 AM.
I mean, seriously, I have over 12 hours.
I mean, seriously. I am not worried enough.
. . . . . entries for 25.10.09 . . . . .
I was part of this today (by now, yesterday). And I know all the demonstrating doesn't necessarily get politicians to move, but I also signed letters to Gillibrand and Schumer, and I like being part of something. It's true. There's something to be said for it.
And all those pictures - all those people, some of them in islands condemned to flood, plains facing famine - have made me tear up more than a little.
. . . . . entries for 24.10.09 . . . . .
I feel like I need some kind of interlude before I really get to work, but I have no idea what.
It is just too weird how uninvolved I am in the social circles where "green" is a big deal. Totally incongruous. I wonder if I will fix it.
Holy cow, it's warm outside. Again.
Today, I have to start working in earnest, not just reading, though reading is important. Currently I am at an abnormal psych review session, then running off to the 350 festival.
After 10 minutes: HOLY CRAP FAST-PACED REVIEW SESSION. o.O
Lol?
. . . . . entries for 22.10.09 . . . . .
For some reason, I have become much more inclined to bump into things these past couple days. My legs have some not-particularly-visible-but-still-hurty bruises to this effect. I am not pleased.
In any case, this week is over, and midterms are upon us. I have three of them, and two papers, a very important book to read (Vita, by my professor, João Biehl) and not nearly enough anxiety for all of the above. Tonight I'm reading. It is not cheerful, but it is interesting, and real, and a book, which makes it substantially friendlier than anything else I have to do.
Today was very beautiful, up in the 70's, so I loitered by Woody Woo for a while before returning to the dorm. I opened my window on returning to the room this afternoon and haven't closed it yet. Also on returning, I was welcomed by a veritable horde of ladybugs on the south wall of Wilf. It was kind of freaky. I spent half of the walk upstairs running my hands over my dress and hair, hoping I hadn't carried any of them inside with me.
. . . . . entries for 19.10.09 . . . . .
My advisor meeting to go over my JP outline went well! And it is a pretty morning, even if it is (weirdly, given the day after tomorrow's forecast) cold. I am prepared to have a good day otherwise, though a busy one, since I have research assistant training for a couple hours, then a conservation psychology/Great Immensity dinner.
Man, what if I become a conservation psychologist? What if?
. . . . . entries for 17.10.09 . . . . .
So here is an update/synthesis on the parts of my situation you are all quite privy to: I am still enrolled in five classes, with no serious hope of dropping any of them. I also have JP work which I have thus far neglected quite remarkably much. I am a research assistant - neither for credit nor for pay - in a really neat psych lab. I have not heard from my employer in a while despite recent attempts to contact him, but in theory that will mean another few hours a week gone. My car is back and was enormously expensive to fix.
What you are not privy to: somehow I seem constantly to break my own heart, and all the people to whom I wish I could speak about it either don't deserve that kind of use or . . . well, really it's just that no one deserves it. It isn't fair. It's too much within me to put anywhere else.
The breaking of the heart is enormously distracting from one's academic duties. My academic duties would definitely be bad enough without that extra distraction. It may be an incursion upon my high-span working memory, disabling me to the state of a C student. A C student could work through it, but I can't. This is the kind of conjecture I am inclined to make from my psych research assistant work so far.
Anyway, I am going to leave this room now and try to forget how bad I am to myself (and sometimes to another, if only for being myself).
But my goodness gracious if I don't hate myself sometimes.
. . . . . entries for 16.10.09 . . . . .
It is certainly neither normal nor healthy to break into a huge reservoir of thought when only a feather has been dropped to crack the dam. But here I am, sympathetic nervous system making me feel weak and tired and ready to run.
There ought to be an "invisible tiger" crack to make, given my location. But this isn't about tigers, or the tricks we do, the prey we seek. All those things I can clamp down beneath my paws, if only at the last minute, and do away with. Invisibility, though - it is what I can't see, and can only imagine, that makes my guts churn this way.
. . . . . entries for 15.10.09 . . . . .
Today (by now, yesterday) was good: I learned that Jeff Eugenides liked my detail-oriented writing about the Obama White House. Even if I do not write the great American novel, I will hold onto this warm, fuzzy feeling for a while.
But OMG, I still don't know if I'm dropping a class. And I am awake, in theory to do stuff for the class I might drop. Arrrrrgh
I will have my car back tomorrow? For great justice? And grocery shopping?
. . . . . entries for 13.10.09 . . . . .
I am doing that thing with "deep, tormented" thoughts and smaller tasks putting off large, important ones. Or just the one.
And blogging.
Is there a right thing to do with white guilt?
Oh I do not want to drop anthro. I want an extra day of the week to run and catch up to it.
I suspect I could produce one out of missed sleep. Some serious caffeine rediscovery is in order.
I wonder: how can one acknowledge the power of belief over a body without undoing the object of the belief? Isn't it supposed to be the spell cast, the herbs imbibed, the hand of God doing the healing?
I am still thinking about dropping medical anthro. Blast.
. . . . . entries for 9.10.09 . . . . .
Today, the Internet exploded with talk about our dear President, Barack Obama, who won the Nobel Prize. There is so much explosion that it seems silly to talk about it further, but I kind of regard this blog as a record of my own life, not just someplace to mouth off, so . . . I thought I'd mention it. :P
I'm curious to see what effect it'll have on centrists. The right wing is clearly batshit and the left was already on Obama's side, but them darn centrists - we will see. We will see.
. . . . . entries for 7.10.09 . . . . .
When I think about it, today was probably blogworthy.
I got up slightly later than the normal time - in the neighborhood of 7:30 - to go walk with the retired professor in whose employ I am. (Holy awkward sentence Batman.) The walk was nice, and the morning was lovely, but the drive was neither. Somehow, between yesterday and today, my brake lines became very corroded and leaky - so much so that I had to push the pedal to the floor to get the car to stop, and even refilling the brake fluid didn't really fix it. The refill all drained out by two hours after I'd put it in anyway.
So, the STS is in the car-hospital, AKA Sunoco, to have its lines replaced. I am unusually immobile. On the bright side, I get to sleep late. This is a pretty serious bright side in my current way of thinking, because I am pretty seriously tired, not to mention very damned behind in my reading and not very sensibly paced for upcoming major assignments (e.g., first CWR 303 story, first mini-JP).
I will not blog again this night. The blog is the reading-killer.
. . . . . entries for 4.10.09 . . . . .
Have you ever noticed how the lining of an apple's inner chamber, where its seeds are kept, is the same stuff and about the same shape as the outside of a garlic clove?
. . . . . entries for 2.10.09 . . . . .
I wish my brain were less inclined to compare itself to this, that, or the other. It would be a happier brain if it were just to try the best it can with what it has, but instead, it's all "this can't be bad luck, I must suck at this" and "wow, so-and-so or such-and-such did so much more for whatever cause" and stuff.
. . . . . entries for 1.10.09 . . . . .
White rabbit.
Also: carrying around my iPod has reminded me of some songs I really like/identify with, like Love and Some Verses by Iron & Wine, and (lamely, I know) Going Away to College by Blink 182.
"I haven't been this scared in a long time." Not that I feel that way particularly now, but I remember it so hard and clear when I hear that line: standing in the driveway, unable to understand, unable at first to even cry.
Or, very differently, to a soft acoustic guitar: "love to say this in your ear - I'll love you that way. From your changing contentments, what will you choose for to share? Someday, drawing you different, may I be weaved in your hair?"
All Iron & Wine (and Blink 182, actually) kinda sounds the same, but I like it enough to keep listening. :P
"Will you say when I've gone away, 'your father's body was judgment day; we both dove and rose to the riverside . . .'"
come home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)