. . . . . entries for 30.3.11 . . . . .
Many of my well-intentioned to-do list items got quashed this morning after I listened to a voicemail left at 7:30 AM which advised that she who left it had seen in a dream that focusing solely on my thesis until its due date was a terrible mistake and that I absolutely had to attend to many other things concerning my future, the uncertainty of which makes me want to curl up into a ball and cease to exist about four out of five times I think about it.
I sometimes tell people this, and I think if I were less afraid of the additional emotional fallout it would bring, I would tell her: "I mean this in the nicest possible way, but fuck you."
Near the end of my thesis meeting just now, after we established that I need a draft by Monday or Tuesday, my advisor joined the ranks of other caring and careful faculty here (recall "don't be too hard on yourself" from Dr. Gabowitsch) by saying "cheer up! You look blue" and "is there anything I can do to turn that frown upside down?"
I must have looked so miserable, for him to have mentioned it. I didn't know what to say, I looked off to the side, I managed something like "I don't know, a lot to do, don't worry about it, I'll get it done" - haltingly, the way I'd talk to a counselor to make sure I can keep it together, but moreso, I guess, more careful, you can't fucking cry in front of your advisor.
"I'm less worried about you getting it done and more worried about you being happy," he said, chuckling as he went.
I don't really know what to say about it. I'm thankful for it, I can't stand it, I don't get it, I hate myself for it, I'm crying remembering it.
How do other people do it? How do other people stay happy and motivated and satisfied with what they're doing even when it's going wrong, even when it always seems to go wrong, when nothing feeds back into that one hopeful goal of meaning something to the people who will come after? What is wrong with me?
come home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)