. . . . . entries for 13.1.07 . . . . .
Have you ever wanted absolutely nothing? I mean, this is not nirvana. This is being in a dark, furious depression and seeing no way out, nothing interesting or distracting, nevermind healing. There is nowhere to put the sorrow and self-loathing, and one results from the other infinitely, because even though you know your sadness and anger are irrational, you keep feeling them - all the more strongly for your knowledge of their absurdity.
But this is not one of those times, because actually, I want to scream, and run, and destroy things. I'm not even angry at anyone, at least not anyone other than myself. Maybe, because I'm vindictive, I want someone to know, really to feel in the pit of their stomach, what I feel. It's not that I blame them; it isn't truly their fault. It's just that they ought to fucking know.
I also want to wash all knowledge of Jungian psychology from my brain, because it has honestly wrecked me.
I want to wash myself of this feeling. I want to wake up tomorrow and be impossibly enthusiastic about my fucking tremendous German project. I want not to feel guilty about going to Colin's tomorrow or, better, not feel guilty about not going, so I can keep working or, better still, drive my parents out of my house with a torch and pitchfork and hold Frank Ferraro hostage in my room until Hell freezes over.
That is what I want. No, you cannot give it to me. I am uninterested in your sympathy. I do not want to be touched, although I wouldn't mind fighting with someone - a real physical fight, like I've never actually been in, tooth and nail, resulting in blood and bruises.
: January 14, 2007 9:31 AMcome home?
.:people:.
{ting}
she looks like the real thing
{mari}
out and about
[kelsey]
THIS IS AMERICA
{yianni}
stop being depressed
{alisa}
other
[shannon]
close and far
{frank}
islands where no islands should go
[cassie]
eating knowledge
{colin}
my dm
[emily]
shoulder to the wheel
[brian]
nostalgic for fantasy
[nicole]
industry insider
{elle}
angry enviro
[matt]
never heard of miyazaki
[pirate dan]
are you reading this?
[olga]
distracted
[messiah dan]
messiah/believer
{max}
approach focus
[natalie]
wait a minute
[susan]
solitude
{greg}
manbeargreg
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.:skin:.
turtles! turtles! by araglas
(heavily modified by yours truly)