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. . . . . entries for 12.11.05 . . . . . The act of reading old posts on my blog makes me depressingly aware of how much of a child I was back then, and am now, and will likely continue to be for quite some time to come. Also how little I have changed, in spite of everything. In spite of what I want to change about myself. The right time just never seems to come. Which is not to say only terrible things come from reading the back-blogs. I found this little treasure, which made me warm and fuzzy and a little bit teary-eyed: "Late on the eve of the first school day in the New Year, I would like to make a toast: may you know how to love deeply and truly, and if you do not know, may you learn; may your passion never fade, through distance or through time; may neither fog nor static nor ill will cloud the knowledge that you feel this adoration for another, as you were meant to, as you will until the end of your days. Cheers, happy New Year, and sweet dreams to you all." -January 2nd, 2005. I've gotten substantially less sappy. It *sucks.* I liked being sappy. I liked being a jackass, too, though - or rather, an even bigger jackass than I am currently. Maybe I am growing up a bit after all. Mreh.
Comments:
Sometimes I think this is what blogs are for. But they also help you objectively examine the magnitude of things in your life. Like, for instance, once I looked at the sort of stuff I said about Kyle vs. the sort of stuff I said about Bill 1. It was... amusing. But, yeah. If you grow up too much, you miss the sappy, if you don't grow up much, you are embarrassed by the sappy, and any way you work it, humans and their lives are utterly absurd, and you've not been granted an exemption for being more aware of it than most.
Vera: If you'd kindly give it back, I'd be very appreciative. :P
Cassie: So is it worth it to fight the absurdity, or is it more sensible, in the long run, to ignore it or even sink into it?
Don't bother making a deliberate effort to be more one way or another on general principle outside the context of a specific decision. Just don't hedge about the decisions once you've made them unless you want to drive yourself batty. Try to adopt a battleplan without looking at the individual situation and you'll end up as batty as a Karamazov, or it won't work at all.
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